I don’t like console to PC ports of video games.

You’ve probably played one or two, maybe even lived to tell the tale. You probably dislike them, too. Recently, Resident Evil 4 had a port by Ubisoft that was so horrible players couldn’t even play the purchased game without downloading mouse hacks to straighten up the awkward aim and messy controls. I don’t know about you, but I like to be able to play the games I buy right out of the package after a short install—not after hours scouring the internet for fixes upon finding Ubisoft’s homepage link to the hot fix dead. I also like to be able to use my mouse when playing a game involving shooting in real time. Somehow, while transferring it from the Gamecube and PS2 to the computer, Ubisoft managed to completely deface one of the best games of this decade almost two years after its initial release.

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Princesses. For the most part, they’re nothing but trophy wives for video game protagonists; vapid and spineless girls akin to supermodels. Many, aside from their glowing cardboard cut-out personalities, are also great at providing little or no help in sticky situations that they frequently get themselves into. Furthermore, after risking life and limb for these harlots, the biggest reward you get is a peck on the cheek. Well, okay, sometimes, you also get some sickeningly cute giggle or a bat of an eyelash. Sometimes. That’s if you can manage to behave.

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Deep down, I have a burning desire to kick the shit out of a mob. Any mob. It could be a zombie, an orc, a dragon, a military officer or, hell, even the graphical representation of your mother-in-law. Doesn’t matter. It could even be plural. Actually, the more the better, yes. Spread the zombie infection across an entire city. Incite the tribe of orcs into frenzied attack. Invite over your whole family-in-law.

That destruction is all well and good, especially when enacted in the company of battle companions. But see, I’ve got a problem. I’m a picky gamer. I like to be comfortable.

What makes a game comfortable to me? I’ll talk about what makes them uncomfortable.

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My family, older strangers, and even some of my friends like to take one look at my pink and black hair and assume that I am going through some sort of “phase” that I will grow out of once I get out into the “real world.” My apologies–I suppose all this time, the Matrix has had me. I must have been living in my own virtual happy land for nineteen years. “Real world.” Pshaw.

Somehow my having unnatural hair marks me as immature–but more importantly, so does my passion for video games, anime, and cartoons. I can’t even count on both hands and feet how many times I have been given the Look by new acquaintances when I tell them I enjoy playing video games. They’re shocked and appalled that I would choose to take up such a childish hobby.

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What does it take to be truly innovative? These days, especially with the advent of the Nintendo Wii, emphasis is placed so much on going forward and making waves in the gaming industry that perfectly fun games are criticized for not being innovative enough.

On the other hand, games that are touted as such sort of, well, disappoint. There is no doubt that the Wii is innovative, in that it promotes its remote for titles that use gun play, swords, or even sports mechanics. Truly, Wii Sports is great fun for people of all ages, and recently we added Mario Kart Wii to its library which integrated an actual steering wheel into gameplay, but are they really great games? Games of the year, games of the decade–games we look back and remember in our old age?

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Our top stories in the video game industry today are as follows: “GTA IV to bring about the world’s first age of peace,” “GTA IV donates $10,000,000 to various charities,” and “GTA IV has cured cancer.” Tee-hee. You’re right. Those are gross exaggerations.

However, with the alarming amount of coverage by basically every video game website, magazine, or fan ever, you tend to start believing that GTA IV is, well, the most phenomenal commodity since sliced bread. Now, I haven’t gotten a chance to play it yet, and I probably won’t pick it up until it’s a bargain or until I get around to using my boyfriend’s copy. I’m sure it’s got all kinds of things to offer. I’m not criticizing the actual gameplay whatsoever. Honestly, though, the amount of attention it’s received is actually quite ridiculous in my eyes.

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