Cars are boring. What? They are. Brake, gas, honk. Brake, gas, honk. Turn left, turn right. Flip that guy off. Psh, so old. Video game characters have all the luck, really. They get totally amazing mounts to ride all over their pre-programmed world. Playing through some games got me to wondering which mounts I’d love to have in real life. Obviously, not all of them are practical. But still, beats the Hell out of the rising gas prices, eh? Yeah, I should stay away from the political commentary, sorry. On with my list!

5) Epona. I know, I know, stop groaning. A horse is about as bland as you can get in video games. What sets Epona apart, for me, is the sheer loyalty she has for Link. Let’s face it, the hero of time is not exactly the brightest crayon in the box. Where would he be without a mount like Epona? Probably still wandering aimlessly around the Hyrule fields, that’s where.

Just as valuable as the master sword, if not moreso, Epona really takes one for the team. Over, and over, and over again. Imagine if you had a horse like this. Willing to wait wherever you leave it, or come when you whistle. Also occasionally useful for horseback archery. But the main thing about Epona is that she doesn’t spook easily. She’s seen tyrannical gerudo, space aliens, fairies, pretty much everything that runs the gambit. This horse is braver than I am. I must have it.

4) A chocobo. Kind of plain, I admit. But I can’t help it. I’ve wanted one of these things since I first started the Final Fantasy series. Final Fantasy VII didn’t help at all with the addition of breeding different colored chocobo. They’re so darned cute with their ‘kweh’s and ‘wark’s. Plus, some of them can walk on water!

The only downside I could see is the weird motion the chocobo make when they run. I get carsick fairly easily and I can’t imagine that would be a picnic for me. Still, I think of a chocobo as an all-terrain vehicle. That sucker can run up mountains, along beaches, across deserts, etc. All they want in return is some grass. Oh ‘boco, you’re so gosh darned adorable.

3) A felsteed. Fiery warhorse. FIERY WARHORSE. Imagine riding up alongside a car parked at an intersection. Your felsteed snorts and whinnies, a stream of smoke flowing from its nostrils. As its sweat hits the ground it evaporates with a loud hiss. The person in the car stares at you and you offer a curt nod before riding a way, fiery hoof prints left in your wake.

Yeah. Does anything more really need to be said? I don’t think so.

2) A ghost. No no, I don’t want to ride a spectral being all over the place. Though that would be hilarious. I mean the alien hovercrafts of Halo fame. I was such a hilariously bad driver in the game, I can only imagine how chaotic it would be translated to real life. I ran over my partner more times than I can remember.

A ghost would be fairly convenient because, come on, it’s a hovercraft. I imagine pedestrians wouldn’t be very fond of them at crosswalks, but hey. I didn’t put banshees on here because holy crap. I’m dangerous enough with just a hovercraft. In a banshee I’d be ridiculous. Granted, I would probably take myself out first. All those times I crashed into walls. Sigh.

1) Pyramid Head. This is on par with the felsteed. Imagine riding around on the shoulders of a giant butcher as he drags an enormous knife along behind him? Intimidate friends, terrify enemies! Ah, if only. The mental image of this just makes me laugh. I’m not really sure how intimidating it would be if it did come to pass.

The major downside here would be the slow speed. You would probably get to your destinations faster by walking. But then it just wouldn’t be the same.

After writing this list I’ve come to realize how badly I really wish I could make these a reality. Maybe not so much pyramid head, because I think that would end badly. But the rest? Man. Someday ‘boco, someday.

This entry was posted on Monday, September 22nd, 2008 at 5:59 pm and is filed under Top 10, Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.