Stop Following Me!July 7th, 2008 by Gloria
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Back in the old days of yore, when I would wake up early to watch Saturday morning cartoons, I always marveled at the way superheroes always had a handy, competent sidekick following them around. In the cultural transition that has been the video game phenomenon, it’s interesting to see how the role of a sidekick has transformed as well. Gone are the days of spandex costumes and lame “Golly-Jiminee!” catchphrases. Now we have robots, boogers, foxes, breegulls, the list goes on.
But not all sidekicks are useful or even fun to be around. Most of them are whiny snots, scantily clad women, or just plain cowards. Who was the best of the worst? Let’s take a look.
5) Luigi - Mario’s super lame, super cowardly brother. This guy has taken more back seats than a lost tourist in New York City traveling by cab. He got a spot in Super Mario Brothers 2 but I have to admit that I never touched him. The goofy jumping would always send him halfway across the screen and right down a crevasse to his death. Most Mario game rosters left Luigi doing his brother’s laundry in the pipe house, though he was edited into later versions of some of the games so that people could suffer through playing the game with his weirdo jump flailing if they wanted to.
The gamecube came out and gave Luigi a chance to shine in his own game. (I, personally, don’t count the Mario is Missing game because…yeah, just no.) The guy spends the entire time cowering and wields a vacuum. You tell me, how intimidated would you feel if a guy in green came running at you with a Hoover? Oh no, he might suck a button off my shirt! Eek! Either way, poor Luigi is probably always going to be playing second banana to Mario’s first peach. His princess isn’t in another castle, because he didn’t even make it to the castle in the first place.
4) Navi - Link’s fairy slave. I know it’s been said many times before, but Navi redefined the term ‘annoying’. What? This ground looks odd to you Navi? Maybe I should play my ocarina? Maybe you should shut up because I’ve already beaten this dungeon and for Nayru’s sake. You were there with me when I did it!
She was definitely a useful little pixie when it came to targeting, though. Unfortunately she was pretty much useless in the final battles. Not to mention she would occasionally fly to random places and hover way out of reach. Hitting the Z button was always more of an adventure when she was searching 50 yards away for a scarecrow plot. Thankfully, after the game designers played through the game for themselves and saw how annoying the chatty sprite was, they replaced her entirely for Majora’s Mask. Only to once again bring her back for Phantom Hourglass. Yay.
3) Tails - the Robin to Sonic’s Batman. Tails was always there to run behind you and die. Or run below you and die. Or just die. Though, credit where credit is due. He was an extremely useful fox when he was alive. Being able to fly over pitfalls is always much appreciated. Tails was given a personality in the animated Sonic cartoons. It wasn’t much besides the usual 90’s plucky kid comic relief act, but at least he loved chili dogs.
In the newer games they’ve beefed up Tail’s role substantially. He’s nowhere near the hero caliber of Sonic or Knuckles though, but at least he’s light years ahead of Amy. That girl is one of the worst video game heroines I’ve ever had the misfortune of playing. “Hey Sonic! Hey Sonic! Hey Sonic! Hey Sonic! Don’t leave me Sonic!” You know, she fits right up there with Navi.
2) The dog from Harvest Moon - Just starting out on your new farm? Excellent! Let me give you another mouth to feed! He’ll just spend his time running around, barking, running more, you know. Nothing important. Man’s best friend my ass. Yeah, I know the dog’s intended purpose is to chase wolves and coyotes away. That doesn’t mean he actually does it. The little beast just spends its days running to the furthest corners of the farm so that when it’s time to bring it in for the night it takes an extra hour to find it.
The cat also fits this as well. Oh wooow the dog can fetch. That’s super useful. And yet it can’t herd the animals? Then in the DS version if you lost the dog’s ball the mayor would come by and act like he was doing some amazing civil service by returning it to you. “Heeey guy, I know this ball was on your property all day yesterday. It mysteriously vanished in the night and…now I have it. Here you go!” Mmhm. Totally not suspicious at all there, sir.
1) Maria - The blond haired sex demon (literally) from Silent Hill 2. Of all the women James’ psyche could come up with, Maria was the best? He couldn’t dream up a Jill Valentine, or a Claire Redfield? Well, this is James we’re talking about. He does seem to prefer his women dead. And Maria was all too capable and willing to die through the whole game.
Her outfit? Hm, town full of psycho demons that spit acid. I think I’ll wear my skirt and gogo-boots today. Who needs a flashlight? Or Hell, who needs pockets when I can just stuff everything from keys to handgun clips down the front of my shirt?
Bare bones: I would save right before I got her in every one of my play-throughs just so I could blast her face off with the shotgun. It was orgasmic, game over or not. I didn’t even understand the game over, either. She was going to die eventually. Several times. I was just saving myself and pyramid head some otherwise wasted time.
Useless. Worse than any of the others. How bad of a sidekick do you have to be when your entire purpose in the game is to die? Maria barely qualifies as a sidekick, but I felt she really deserved the top spot on this list.
So ladies and gentlemen, when you play through your Ratchet and Clanks, or Jak and Daxters, be thankful. Be thankful that the main sidekick is one you can actually be proud of. The game world needs less Marias around.
July 7th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
UGH CROSSEYED MARIA.
I’ve always liked Luigi more than Mario. -_-;;
July 7th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
He definitely has more of a personality. It’s too bad they rarely let him out from behind Mario’s fat ass.
July 7th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Reminds me of the little girl in Guild Wars. “I want to follow you around! Everywhere! Find my flute! What about my cape! Hey! Hey! Hey!”
It’s pretty sad, though, around the halfway mark when you’re running through the Kryta provinces and see her cape lying on the ground in the sand. You just know you’ll meet her in the Underworld when you go to raid it at 20.
July 7th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
Oh Gwen, I remember her. They actually put her in one of the expansions but I won’t ruin the surprise. D:
July 8th, 2008 at 5:09 am
My permanent sidekick: my tranquil mechanical yeti. He doesn’t talk back, doesn’t run away, doesn’t try and stand on me… plus he gets lots of /cuddles. And I get to laugh when I see that he’s the same height as the gnomes. What else could I want?
July 8th, 2008 at 5:10 am
The dog from Harvest Moon - well I used to keep him (her? there were puppies at some point, right?) in the house.
I would go inside after a day’s work, throw the ball, give him/her a pat, and that was the dog sorted for the day.
In World of Warcraft, the Voidwalker, much as I love it, insists on sitting on top of any kill I just made, thus preventing me looting. It will also block my fishing bobber if it can. Definitely a demon!
Best companion ever - the Mag cell from Phantasy Star Online. You could grow it to what stats suited you, and it came in a variety of shapes. Not only that, it could save your life with its various procs and damage bonuses ( I get the feeling I’m the only one here that played that game. Oh well).
July 8th, 2008 at 7:03 am
Oh, right! I kept my dog in the house, too. He seemed happy in there, plus I never had to worry about him being outside during a storm or something.
My first char on WoW was a lock and even though I played mostly with my succubus, I will forever remember my imp Karlop. He was so annoying and retarded, but awwww Karlop. I have a soft spot for sidekicks, really. As long as I turn the sound off and don’t have to hear that damn imp voice say the same shit.
July 8th, 2008 at 7:23 am
I replayed Ocarina of Time this weekend for a friend who hadn’t seen it.
Every time I hit the button to see what Navi wanted, she was suggesting that we go to a location in which we were currently standing. Right then.
“Hey, there’s an arctic wind blowing from Zora’s River? Do you feel it?”
Why yes, Navi, I do. Because we are standing on the river. Which is frozen.
July 8th, 2008 at 9:22 am
LMfao, Alison. Exactly.
And yeah, eventually I kept the dog and cat inside the house too. I never really kept my animals out at night so the dog being outside was pointless. But those nights where I had to chase after him before I learned to just keep him inside. Bleh.
July 8th, 2008 at 11:20 am
I kinda like sidekicks…sometimes. >.> The random “escort” crap that game devs love to throw at you is “ick”. Since the folks you protect have what my dad calls GS(Genuine Stupidity, in contrast to Artificial Intelligence)…it’s usually a headache and I want to slap some sense into their heads.
July 8th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Best side kick ever…. a rucksack filled with pokeballs. Sure, not much of a think tank but, I’d rather have a Charmander on my side then a Tails or Luigi andyday. Just make sure there aren’t any Metapods in the mix and you’re probably ok.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Haha, I remember playing pokemon yellow. I thought it was so cool to have the pikachu following you around. They should have done that with all the starters so they seem more like partners than random slaves.
And yeah, vlion. Remember the old world WoW escorts? “Halp pls get me out of this cave full of monsters! Hang on…I’m going to walk reeeally slow…wait…wait…oh the mobs seem to have respawned. Allow me to die here and make you start over.”
July 8th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
I also feel the need to mention the baby dinosaur from Starfox Adventures. He was almost as annoying as Navi IMO.
I’d say the only entertaining thing about him was the color-changing trick, which was the only reason I’d ever listen to his incessant demands to play fetch.
July 8th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
I’m so happy you pointed out the weird logic break in waxing Maria yourself in Silent Hill 2. Especially on second or third playthroughs, you think that’d give you some kind of extra special ending, but no.
July 8th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
What about your companion on Lost in Blue? “I’m hungry” “I’m thirsty” Then you have to hold thier hand and walk them to get a drink. I should of let that alligator eat her…
July 9th, 2008 at 5:10 am
What about baby mario from Yoshi’s Island? I’ll take Navi’s insistent pestering any day over the shrill cold yell of “WAAAH WAAAG AAWWAAAH” every 10 sec for the ENTIRE game.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
Luigi is AWESOME. He’s totally got mystical Taoist powers from his years of passivity. “By not contending, nothing on earth can content against him” Just look at his final smash!
Also, for annoying sidekick, I’m gonna have to nominate Friday from Landstalker. She was just a jerk. =/
July 9th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
lol, so true. I remember seeing his final smash and thinking, “Seriously? SERIOUSLY?! They really buffed Luigi.”
July 11th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
I was actually stuck at a slow moving wedding rehersal, and had a two hour conversation with my brother about the core aesthetic of Luigi. He submitted that his arsenal of Kung-fu moves were all gleaned from old TV Movies he saw while waiting for Mario to get back from adventuring, which I submitted that it was part of his mystical powers of the far east.
Yeah, we’re awesome.
July 11th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
That sounds like a kickass conversation. I’m not even being sarcastic.
July 12th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
I loved Luigi’s final smash.. If you read his trophy for his final smash.. it all makes sense and its kind of demented.. Im just glad they didnt give him a GREEN Mario final smash.. that would have been lame.
And you cant blame them for crying all hard in Yoshi’s Island.. yeah it was annoying but you were asking for it buying that game!! You know babies cry!! XD
You’re article made good points but for the most part.. I looove sidekicks