Confessions From a Former Hardcore RaiderJune 17th, 2008 by Monique
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“Listen. You are not your Redemption, Cryptstalker, Bonescythe, Frostfire, Dreadnaught, Plagueheart, Faith or Dreamwalker. You are not your Thunderfury, your Ashkandi, or your Scepter of the False Prophet.”
Two years ago, when I quit Death & Taxes, I wrote a rant titled that. I was angry and childish. I felt like I’d spent over a year in one of World of Warcraft’s top guilds, and all I had to show for it was a Redemption Ring—and one of the best geared characters in the world.
To be fair, I also had screenshots. Jesus Christ, did I have a lot of fucking thousand of screenshots. Dire Maul power runs, a world first 4 Horsemen kill, idling in Ironforge, a frolic or two in Moonglade; images of these moments were all I had of an era after I walked away.
Do I regret walking away? Sometimes. These days, however, I am grateful I found the strength to break the addiction. It took coming back three times, three sold characters, and a full set of tiered armor collected with over 250 days played to finally break it for good, but I did.
And I want to talk about it, openly, for the first time.
AN INTRODUCTION
Before I really begin, I want to say I have nothing but respect for the pioneers of World of Warcraft and fellow players. I was—and continued to be until a few months ago—one. I had every tier of armor available, I played the best to my abilities, and I loved the game. I was in three different top guilds, I met a lot of people, and I played every healing class in a raid environment at least once. I learned about myself as a gamer, and my abilities. I’ve beaten every boss but Kil’jaeden in the game, including outdoor raid bosses. I want to stress that there is nothing wrong with knowing the math for spirit regeneration, the best enchants for what weapons, or the best 3v3 composition to run.
Striving for perfection, even in a video game, is admirable—at least to me. And you don’t have to be in Sunwell Plateau to strive.
But the thing is, I’ve played WoW and I’ve lived WoW. And it’s the living part that I want to talk about; why Azeroth is a poor substitute for Earth, and why being a Paladin doesn’t pay as well as being a community manager for a video gaming company.
CONGRATULATIONS, YOUR FIRST AID SKILL HAS REACHED 375…
Addictions are funny things. You don’t always realize you have them. A lot of times they’re covering up big, gaping sores in your psyche. Are you insecure? Shy? Going through an incredible life change you can’t quite stomach?
World of Warcraft will help the pain. It will distract you. It works as a bandage. For me, I broke up with a boyfriend. I was in college, freshman year, and I was lost. My roommate sucked, my friends were changing, and I was lonely. My estranged father came back into my life, and I could not cope.
I’d been a gamer my entire life. Street Fighter 2, Zelda, Fallout 2, Starcraft, even Counter-strike semi-pro. I was good at gaming, and social gaming made me feel less lonely by giving me handfuls of friends.
Despite my background with gaming, I wasn’t particularly good at WoW at first. Actually, I totally sucked. I healed with the reaction time of a slug, and I wiped people in Molten Core. I’d played a year prior, at release, and putted around as an Undead Rogue. This time I came back as a Human Paladin. By chance I fell in with the right group—Death & Taxes.
Six months later, I was in AQ40 raiding hardcore.
Six months later, I failed my classes.
It’d be so ridiculous to blame Warcraft on failing my classes, so I’m not even going to try. I wish I could because the truth is worse, but it wasn’t WoW’s fault. It wasn’t my character’s fault, Blizzard’s fault, or RNG’s fault either.
It was my own inability to cope and then my inability to admit it that I couldn’t cope. Pride and all that. Ego and all that.
So instead of dealing, I applied a Runecloth bandage over my wound and kept on trucking. It was easier being involved with in-game drama, new bosses, and learning to heal in a video game instead of looking at my decreasing GPA.
FROM THE WORST TO THE BETTER
Like I said earlier, I fell in with the in-crowd. Also like I said, I was not the best player. Joining Death & Taxes, I had a lot to make up for. These were people who played fifteen hours or more a day, many of whom didn’t have jobs or school—people who had played since beta.
It all started out really innocuously. I bombed healing on a Stratholme run, then a Scholomance run. Solo-healing as a Paladin back in the day without the current stat bonuses we expect, such as mp5 and healing, was relatively hard. Lawbringer’s set bonuses still make me cringe to this day. Still, I was down on myself. People were overtly critical and it stung. They didn’t see me for the gamer I was in the past and saw me as an epic sponge, who took gear from other Paladins but didn’t earn it.
Instead of crying or backing down, I vowed to get better. Looking back, it’s a nice gesture; I strove for perfection. But I took it too far somewhere down the line.
Instead of one 5-man after a raid, I started doing ten. Maybe fifteen. Practice makes perfect. Does your alt need a quick Dire Maul run? Do you want to duo Rattlegore in Scholomance? Whatever you needed, I was always your woman.
And to be your woman, I was always online.
7:00 AM GREEN DRAGON RUNS
Let me help illustrate how much of a lifestyle WoW was for me by the point I decided to become the best. Green Dragons were random 40-man raid bosses that spawned in key locations on Azeroth and Kalimdor. They were hard, and only good guilds took them out. Because our server was fairly developed, we had to fight amongst other guilds for the tags. There were epic day long fights between various guilds.
I used to get up at any hour of any day to fight these dragons with my guild. It could be 4AM, and I would wake up. I let people call me any hour, any time. I missed a midterm once for an Emeriss spawn. I couldn’t help myself; I didn’t want to be “casual,” but even more so, I didn’t want to face reality of a test I didn’t study for anyway.
WHAT IS YOUR PROFESSION? TAILORING? ALCHEMY? IGNORING REAL LIFE?
Even if you took out the dragons, the hours were like a job. I loved it–it was great for ignoring my classes and my intense ennui with life. We raided from 3:30PM PST to 10PM nightly (sometimes later), sometimes taking a day off if progress wasn’t happening. After raids, I would play alts until 5AM and then sleep until 2PM and do it all over again. On off days, I would organize ZG and AQ20.
Sometimes I even stayed up all day farming supplies.
I didn’t have a job for over a year.
The other two WoW characters I had may have seen Illidan and Sunwell Plateau, but by that point I’d grown less fanatical. Still, if you took profits from all three characters, and the hours played in total, I made about 5 cents an hour for this ‘job.’
THE E-FAME, AND ALL THAT
While I went through changes, D&T went through a lot of changes too. The guild was pretty unknown prior to AQ40. Top 5 kills, surely, but no one knew our roster or cared to. I was pretty unknown as well. Maybe it was Xi’s C’Thun rant that cinched the guild’s upcoming popularity, or maybe it was our initial success in Naxxramas. Whatever it was, we became big almost overnight. I spoke on WoW Radio, people always analyzed our ctprofiles; things became more tangible and glorified.
It’s that same e-fame that sunk the guild a few weeks ago.
Pride and all that. Ego and all that.
Living the game and playing it are two different things. But with new e-fame, it became easier to do so. Our popularity and world firsts let the bandage solidify and encase my wounds. Sure, it’s a waste to play the game, to live in Azeroth, but we were making WoW Insider and Newsweek. We weren’t just any old Little Timmy, we were Death & motherfucking Taxes.
THE LEVEL CAP OF FUN
After thirteen or so months, I stopped caring about WoW like I did. I want to say I woke up one day and stopped caring, but it was really gradual until one day it was all gone. After our world first on Sapphiron, I grew increasingly tired. I took a full DPS set, looted Ashkandi over an angry guild member’s alt, and played as Retribution to bide my time. I aimed for 9/9 Redemption and 8/8 Transcendence on my alt, feeling personal goals might renew interest in the content. But it didn’t.
My account was hacked in November 2006 and I completely quit then. While I came back for TBC as a Blood Elf, then later became a Night Elf Druid, and eventually saw all the raid content as well as being on a top-ranked arena team, I no longer revolved around WoW. I could sell overnight and not feel pangs of remorse. It was never, ever the same as it had been with Death & Taxes. It wasn’t my sole reality, but instead, a small hobby.
I think the biggest wake-up call I had was when I realized I was not happy. I got the Redemption Ring from Kel’Thuzad and instead of being proud of being probably the first Paladin to equip it (ok, maybe second) in the world, I was bored with it. Blasé. It was just digital loot, and there was—as always—DKP drama to ensue.
For once, I saw World of Warcraft for what it really was.
And my actions for as horrifying as they really were.
I felt naked.
WHERE DO YOU GO FROM THERE?
I didn’t know what to do for a while. I escaped briefly into photography, but I got a friends and family invite to the beta tempting me to Blood Elves. I came back to World of Warcraft after a four month break, then quit again two months later. That time I began photography and actually uninstalled my client. I got straight 4.0’s in a summer quarter. I designed dozens of layouts. I created Girls Don’t Game, which you are reading today. I got real life friends again.
When I came back to WoW to play arena last November, I decided to be casual. Of course, it didn’t work out; I ended up hitting up Black Temple and later on Sunwell. I guess elitism was still in my blood. Still, for nearly six months of playing in end-game guilds, when I sold my Druid, I only had twenty-five days played.
Instead of, you know, two hundred for a year span like the original Paladin.
AND NOW?
I’m happier. I don’t have to worry about making it home by three or four every afternoon for a raid. I don’t have to be tied down. I have a job as a community manager for a smaller gaming company. I write press releases and do other things. It pays better than healing Ouro, or an organized Arathi Basin group. I recently changed my major to Computer Science, a major I previously avoided because I didn’t think I had the time if I gamed the way I did.
I was right, too, you know. I mean, learning Calculus while raiding? Forget about it!
SO WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS?
Because if you’re playing the game like it’s your life, it’s not okay. Someone has to say it, and who better than a girl who has been there and back? I’m aware that not everyone does it and people can raid while keeping ordinary lives. When I came back and joined Forgotten Heroes, I certainly did. Maybe the extreme addiction level is like, one out of every ten players, and one out of every ten times.
But if you’re doing it, there’s no justification. Maybe you say it’s okay because your boyfriend plays, or because it’s in Black Temple and the team needs you. But trust me, these justifications are meaningless. If you’re over eighteen without a job and playing these hours, wake up. If you’re under eighteen and flunking high school and playing these hours, wake up. If you’re friends with someone who is like this, talk to them. Let them know you’re there to help.
Let them know that gaming is not supposed to replace your life.
Ever.
ONE LAST THING…
I might play twenty hours of Team Fortress 2, or Grand Theft Auto IV, in a span of just a few days. I still love gaming, and I love gaming all the time. I take it seriously and would like to play Starcraft 2 in tournaments if it goes that route. I have no problem with World of Warcraft raiders, either. I mean, I was one, for fuck’s sake.
Honestly, gaming is who I am; from Counter-strike scrims to killing sorceresses in Final Fantasy VIII, it’s in my blood. Putting over eighty hours a week into one game, that cancels out other games—movies—events, just isn’t me anymore.
Because it’s not healthy and no amount of justification can make it so.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
I said it before and I’ll say it again, this was a very powerful thing to read.
I know I get annoyed easily about my boyfriend playing COD4 for hours and taking it way too seriously, but there are so many more people out there who are truly addicted to games in such unhealthy manners that it’s sickening.
I’m so glad that you made GDG and that we’re all here writing together now, and that you stopped playing when it started to take over your life. It’s inspiring, and I think a lot of people who are borderline-addicted should give this a look.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
This whole article deserves a QFT
June 17th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
I recently went back into playing WoW, and I’m trying to not let it run my life.
It’s tough going on some days, but the feeling is more manageable now that I have a job I can focus on (also in gaming) and a plan I can follow.
*big hugs* to you for not letting a game rule your life anymore.
June 17th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
This whole thing gets a big “WORD” from me. Except I failed classes because I just had to run my warlock through SM. Even now, I’m tempted to transfer my priest to a higher raiding guild, however I have just enough self control to know that I wouldn’t be able to control myself in a hardcore raiding guild.
Anyway, go you for getting out of it in the end, this post is an eye-opener.
June 17th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
That is alot to think about - thankyou for the strength to share.
What you have said has hit home a little, my wanting to ‘improve’ all started when I got bored of Kara. I’m reading blogs at lunch at work instead of doing other things..
While my addiction has saved me money in that I don’t spend or shop as much its easier to play then it is to organise some Rl friends because they are either broke, or refuse to go out with various other other people, and easier to let Real life plans slide because there is always something to do on Wow..
You have given me alot to chew on..
June 17th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
Fantastic read. I kept getting suckered back into WOW, but I was lucky to find the strength to keep away while I have studies happening.
Now that I haven’t played in almost 4 months, I find the time to do things that are beneficial to my future and to the start of my career. I love the game, but I know that if I ever add $$ to my account, I must have no other obligations happening, because I fall back into the world and I find it hard to climb back out.
Very powerful post. A must read for every hardcore gamer out there.
June 17th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
Computer Science… Good fucking luck
My roommate must have spent 75% of his nights programming, and he was a beast at it.
It was the same for me with WoW, a slow degradation till eventually I was playing just because it was habit to play. But I’m over WoW, indefinitely.
Warcraft 4 now k thx
June 17th, 2008 at 11:37 pm
One thing I’ve been struggling with lately - a good bit of WoW for me is the social bit. You get really, really close to those 30-odd people that you raid with. Are you still in contact with the people from Death and Taxes or did you just completely close the door? Just curious what you did and why, from your current perspective.
June 17th, 2008 at 11:45 pm
My falling out with WoW was guild-related, too. Despite the friendship and laughs, I had to /gquit because I refused to do something. I have no real life to speak of, so that didn’t factor in the decision at all. Oh well.
I looked for another guild for 2 months.
Oh well in-fucking-deed. That, my friend, will crush souls and kittens. Many, many kittens. The server my main was on, Alliance outnumbered Horde almost 3 to 1, so being an Undead I didn’t have many places to go to begin with. Add the fact that guilds are either extremely high end or just starting Kara, in the words of Bender, I was boned.
To kill the boredom and defeat, I created a Dranei hunter. The more I leveled the more I realized I’d have to find a guild soon. I stopped leveling her at 48.
And at this point in the game, only a couple of months before the expansion, everything is rather stagnant. Progress just ain’t there. I wanted to experience a few instances before Lich King forces them to become outdated, but it’s not going to happen. Unless I transfer and that ain’t happening soon. I’m not made out of money, woman.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:03 am
Great read, it gave me a lot to think about. I too see myself in these shoes every so often. I find myself so hooked to the game that everything else in my life gets zoned out.
I am currently in a Guild which is progressing through Sunwell (stuck on M’uru atm). Though we don’t raid as many days as some Hardcore guilds (we raid 3 nights), I found myself playing a lot still on non-raiding days still. Farming this, running that… it never ends.
I’ve been trying to cut back a lot lately. I don’t even log in on non-raid days no more. Been keeping myself busy with other games
You are right, “Putting over eighty hours a week into one game, that cancels out other games—movies—events, just isn’t me anymore.” , and I am trying to do the same.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:08 am
Great post, Monique.
It really brings home that, no matter how revered you may be for your accomplishments–its still just a game, and in the grand scheme of things, has no real substance. Playing for the sheer love of playing is one thing. Playing as an escape, to the detriment of other aspects of your life, is quite another. It takes a lot of strength and character to be able to step back and assess yourself so critically, and actually do what needs doing to make healthier lifestyle changes.
Well played!
June 18th, 2008 at 5:32 am
I don’t think your experience is that different from a lot of people that have had to go from teenage years to university/college to the adult world.
Their addiction may be something different (drugs, alcohol, sports etc), but in the end it comes down to not wanting to grow up, not wanting the responsibility of a possibly tedious 9-5, paying a mortgage for the next n years, having a family and being tied down with all the responsibilty that that will entail. It’s escapism, pure and simple.
Your addiction was not so much WoW; rather that WoW was the vehicle you used to escape from the real world.
Being in a ‘leet’ raiding guild no doubt boosted your ego; people were and probably still are in awe of your achievements, and that will make you feel worthy, compared to the poor sap sitting at the supermarket check-out earning a pittance, waiting for the clock to turn so they can go pick their kids up from school and go through the same thing the next day.
The fact that your greatest victories proved to be hollow ones in your own eyes, was a sign that you recognised those achievements for what they really were - unimportant.
I’ve been playing games a lot longer than you. I am over 40, and I am still addicted. I have been ever since a friend described to me what Space Invaders was, and I went down to the arcade to find out. I spent most of my teenage years and my early 20s hanging round arcades.
I am still addicted to games, but there is a difference. Nowadays I can press the off button, nowadays I can turn people down when they ask me to make a 5th for a 1am Botanica Heroic run.
Last year, I rolled a new character on Horde side on WoW (I was already in a casual raid guild on Alliance, but I wanted a change). I joined a raid guild at level 30, but when I hit level 70, and people started pressing me to get my attunements done, I decided that I didn’t want to be spending my evenings having to play WoW, simply to keep up with everyone else in the guild.
I pulled the plug and quit the raid guild for a small ‘family’ style guild instead. I have no regrets about that whatsoever. No rushing home for raids; no feeling that I can’t do other things because my guild ‘needs’ me. I log on when I feel like it, and if nothing is happening on-line, it doesn’t matter.
I think you have learnt your lesson. The addiction is still there, but now you can control it. Grats. That is a real victory. Kelthuzad, eat your heart out.
June 18th, 2008 at 6:51 am
great article mo. i sent this to a couple guys i work with who used to raid with me (and my husband, who ran a raiding guild as well) and they all agreed with it word for word. they’ve all drastically cut back on their play time, and like you, i’ve completely lost interest. what a realistic and healthy perspective you have now…with your attitude and brain, i have no doubt you’ll keep acing classes and go on to do great things.
June 18th, 2008 at 7:28 am
Interesting read. Thanks for that.
Even if you’re not playing obsessively, the raiding game wears on you. My guild is in BT right now, and I usually raid about three nights per week, maybe four hours per raid.
After a while, you realize that the only reason for getting the gear is to do more of the same… And spending your time farming mats and researching boss strategies isn’t that fun after a while.
June 18th, 2008 at 7:31 am
I think it was really important that you wrote about this, for other people and for yourself. Thank you for being honest. I know someone who has dropped out of school for WoW and funnels all his saved up money into it. My mom actually said something remotely intelligent the other day in reference to him: “It’s not the game. The game is just an outlet. It’s something bigger.” I agree completely. The game capitalizes (in some cases) on people who need something like it, a constant, a neverending supply of chores or business. It delivers preoccupation, as any other substance addiction usually does. And then the game loses its shape as a game and a form of entertainment; it becomes a force that people have to pry themselves away from because they’ve continually sought too much solace or distraction or just plain old fun from it. It’s never the game’s fault, and it’s important to understand that as a gamer and not. The game is an extension of who we are, and if we play for the wrong reasons and refuse moderation, we pay much more than the monthly subscription fee.
Again, I’m really thankful you wrote this. I think it will help a lot of people, or at least open their eyes and make them consider their options. It touches on what I fear when I play any game that “never ends”. Thank you.
June 18th, 2008 at 7:36 am
It’s not just the young who get addicted. I’m well past my 20s and I’ve struggled with this off and on since my first taste of Everquest.
I know I’m more productive when I don’t play games. I dye fabric, I cook, I spend time outdoors doing fun things with my boyfriend and my dogs, but god…I do love games. And I keep hoping that somehow I can find a balance.
I’ve seen people mess with their lives in horrific ways playing all the time. The kids who get neglected for raids, the days of work and school missed. I’m glad to see you talk about this. Maybe it will give more people the courage to look at what they are doing to themselves.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Great article, Monique, and thanks for sharing your experiences. It’s interesting how we can get so caught up in the game and start to care more about it than real life. I’m glad you wrote this - hopefully it will help some people that need it.
June 18th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
I hid from the pressure of my imbalanced life & emotions in WoW.
Once my head started getting straightened out, WoW-time dropped significantly.
June 18th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
So…basically….you need more interesting hobbies, like doing your hair or spending time being a woman?…lol…this was really sad…sorry…if you can’t control yourself, then you need psychological help. Not just you, anyone…8X.
June 18th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
And wtf exactly is ’spending time being a woman’ you sexist fuckwit?
June 18th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Trust me, Bob, spending time being a woman isn’t all that interesting. I know you think it’d be so0o cool to have tits to feel up all the time, but we’ve kind of had them a while now and they lost their charm a long time ago. I don’t think I need to point out the purpose of this article since you’re just trying to be a sexist asshole. Or maybe I’m giving you too much credit by assuming you’re not a completely incompetent moron and just an ignorant, attention-seeking one. Either way, fuck off.
June 18th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
A good article, well said.
June 18th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Nice try at trolling, Bob Meyers! I’d give it about a C, maybe a D+?
1) You’re either an ex-guildie
or
2) Someone who plays that much and is ashamed
or
3) Both
June 18th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
This is a good article. It’s given me a bit to think about.
June 18th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Naw I don’t think it’s sss000 cool having tits, we all have tits…yours just develop?? And that’s a pretty pointless argument, not that it matters, but you’re wrong on all 3 accounts Monique, but I’m sure it makes you feel better to come down on me just as hard…anyway, a little honesty never hurt anyone and sometimes when you’re honest you get honesty back! I just think you should take a trip to the mall, socialize…you know, be human…hey, just advice…you’re right, it isn’t healthy…I was just affirming it…:) Oh and he says hi and to call him…
June 18th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
Wait a sec, Bob, going to the mall makes me human? I know I’m a female, but I haven’t been to the mall for years. Am I an alien?
I’m seriously in disbelief here. You seem to want to be taken well, but you’re being a complete asshole; both misogynistic and hateful towards anyone with addiction issues.
It truly makes me think you, yourself, have a problem and are just releasing pent up rage at me for being open.
June 18th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
I am also curious how big your manboobs are.
June 18th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
It’s great if you agree or disagree with this article, but please do it in a civil manner that doesn’t make you or anyone else look like an idiot, Bob. Kindly refrain from making personal judgments if you don’t even know Monique. If you do, then all I have to say is do it elsewhere. Bottom line is, a lot of people have this problem, and don’t even realize it. It doesn’t mean that they are mentally ill, or that they are unable to make healthy decisions for themselves. Addiction can come in any form, and since this is a gaming blog, she’s covering gaming. It is an eye-opener to some and as you can see there are many people who here who obviously find worth in what she has said. Coming back to leave snarky replies on something you don’t agree with is really what’s pitiful here.
June 18th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
Also, the part where you pretend to not be a troll is pretty cool. Like, here, where you say: “So…basically….you need more interesting hobbies, like doing your hair or spending time being a woman?…lol…this was really sad…sorry…” And here, where you say, “hey, just advice…you’re right, it isn’t healthy…I was just affirming it…:) Oh and he says hi and to call him…”
You were being so helpful, I dunno why you got any negative replies!
I’m banning your comments after your next reply if it’s not clearer. Be sure to complain elsewhere.
p.s. Who is him?
June 18th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
Monique, didn’t you know? Going to the mall regularly is like a rite of passage. You can’t be a valid human being without it. And admitting to once having a problem playing a game too much means you’re nuts. I guess I’m right there with you, then, inhuman and psycho. We should just get back on the mothership and head home. Maybe we can socialize on it and do our hair.
June 18th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
More like, having a life makes you human but yeah that 2. I’m actually a little shocked, this is by far the worst case of gaming addiction I’ve heard of, besides the guy who died in an internet cafe because he couldn’t take his eyes off the screen, so excuse my amazement here. Ah hah hah hah…you got jokes, that’s tight and everything, but I feel bad that’s your argument. Next time just say, “Only reply if you have sympathy and uplifting comments!” or something along those lines. It’s a shame more of you can’t use your “writing skills” to develop a thoughtful response like Brittany’s. Thanks Brittany, and I agree with you, however I did not mean to attack or judge her…in my opinion, any person whether it be a man or a woman who cannot contain themselves around pixels should really do something…more healthy? That’s all, so try to contain all this flaring estrogen, because I’m so sexist and everything. But yeah…you’re starting to make me think you’re jealous of my beautiful mantits, so I’d better control myself!
P.S. - Therapist.
P.S.S. - I’ll say one categorically “nice” thing before I go: Monique is a talented writer nonetheless, props where it’s due.
June 18th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
I don’t want uplifting comments. Critique’s something I like, if done tactfully. Yours wasn’t.
Anyway, I am happy that some people found hope or things to ponder — I write to make you think. It worked, cause it definitely made you (Bob) think.
I’m really not believing you aren’t a troll, though, for two reasons.
A) You initially typed brash and immaturely. Baiting us. Using sexism and insults. The therapist joke.
B) Everyone knows gaming addiction is very real. It’s similar to drugs or alcohol; people want escapism, they find it. I mean, almost every hardcore guild has 5-10 members who do what I did and still do it, three or four years after the game’s release. If you think what I did is so shocking, what about thousands of people who never quit?
June 18th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
What about them? I was reading your blog so I commented here. I mean, you’re obviously a young woman and I was being sarcastic about hair, obv. For sure, though. Good luck with that, then!
June 19th, 2008 at 12:18 am
It is much easier to be cruel to words on the internet then an actual person.
I find it best to let whoever is being a douche keep on being one, because when it comes down to it, it doesn’t make a difference either way or really even matter. Just take solace in the fact that you aren’t like the other person and get over it
anyway, most of the time it is just a misunderstanding; Sarcasm isn’t apparent through text.
So yea 34 comments? Looks like the article comments will win out against forum discussion after all. I just hope it involves less ‘mantits’ from now on
June 19th, 2008 at 4:54 am
Addiction is viewed as a shameful thing.
I mean, after all, we should be able to control ourselves, right? I mean, if you can’t you are weak and spineless. Just say no and all that. It’s especially bad if the addiction is something like video games or food or god forbid…sex. At least if it’s a cigarette people can point to the chemicals like nicotine. But if it’s something that doesn’t have a chemical component in it, then it has to be just a weak will, right?
If only it were that easy.
In Nick Yee’s Daedalus project a striking number of people self identify as addicted.
I’ve known at least a dozen people like Monique. The worst one for me was the mother whose child sat in a filth encrusted high chair for an entire day while her mother raided. The child’s father intervened (he was a gamer too) and to this day he won’t play MMOs.
Because people are ashamed, they don’t talk about it. Because no one talks about it, people like Bob feel it’s not an issue. But it is…and Monique is uniquely placed to be able to bring this out to possibly help people. I’m glad she did. Just sorry the conversation degenerated into hair fixing and man tits.
June 19th, 2008 at 6:54 am
Great Article. I’ve tried to pass this on to a few people I thought should read it, and I’m getting caught up by their network filters. Apparently the word “Hardcore” while used innocently here, is considered naughty and not allowed through. I tried to get around this by e-mailing the article to one of them to read when he got home and I was flagged as spam. I figured out a way to get it to them, but I thought I’d let ya know in case you missed out on other readers because of it.
June 19th, 2008 at 9:43 am
Auzara- That’s REALLY weird. I can’t change it cause the URL is permenant, which really sucks. Thank you for trying to promote it and warning me. I definitely won’t use hxc ever again, what a bizarre error.
June 19th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
(I’m actually typing this whole thing out on my business jerk phone, Stuck in the hospital with Crohn’s disease =/ )
It was a really interesting read.
I’m a very casual raider myself, three nights every two weeks or so, less now that I’m hitting crunch time with work.
I’ve been lucky enough to never really hit that wall with games. I’ve never played WoW to the exclusion of other games, and the group I raid with consists of at least six friends that I’ve known personally since high school. WoW doesn’t exist as seperate from social activities, since I’m over at their house to raid with my laptop half the time anyway.
And yet, I know how ridiculously lucky that makes me. I crashed and burned my first year of college (2003) cause I spent more time playing games and talking to people online than getting out/doing my work. I was smart enough to fake it for the first two quarters. The third one not so much… I came away from that year with very few actual new friends to speak of.
And yet, as a guy, who mostly bonds by engaging in activities in parallel with other people, a lot of group time I spend with friends is spent playing Smash Bros, or some other multiplayer activity. It bothers me that bonding over a video game is still frequently relegated to the “social-outcast” status, while bonding over a game of poker is not, but that’s a different gripe.
I expect that the “social-outcast” stereotype started because a lot of us (myself included) played games for a while because it IS easier than socializing. Here’s to hoping that changes in the near future.
(Also, I demand some kudos. This is remarkably well-written given my morphine addled state =P)
June 19th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
That was a beautiful blog to read. You have tremendous strength, as many are saying, to break a habit so strong like this one.
While I have played no WoW, and the most I’ve ever gamed is Super Smash Bros. for the GameCube, I have an ex who’s completely into WoW, some who play casually, and some who are barely beginning. A classmate of mine jokingly told me
My ex [yes, we managed to stay friends] made me a character on there under his name and I played WoW for awhile but couldn’t really get into it. He, however, is known to spend hours and hours on it, with friends of his calling at all times. His uncle has begged me to get him off the computer. I’m not sure how to do this without sounding like a whiner or a b—, you know? Anyone have advice?
June 19th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
I really enjoyed this article.
I have a very good friend who raided hardcore back before the expansion. She also did it partially to escape the real world (there was a sudden death in her family, and she admits she threw herself into WoW because she couldn’t just sit around). However, she did also keep her grades up, so I didn’t feel she was dangerously addicted to the game. She played it a lot, but she was doing her “job” and passing her classes, so I tried not to bug her about it too much. We did argue frequently over whether it was possible to raid casually, and whether it was possible to raid and also have a life. (In my experience, ‘no,’ and ‘yes, depending on the raid schedule.’)
The only thing I noticed for certain, and why I’ve never raided, is that you can’t PLAY casually and raid hardcore. You can dabble in raids, and I do, but if you have a job that requires unannounced overtime (I am a certified public accountant) or a hobby that requires unannounced overtime (I volunteer in community theatre, and when a show sells well, often an extra performance is added) you cannot be in those top guilds, because as you said, they have attendance policies and expect them to be followed. I don’t have any intention of following one, and couldn’t have even if I wanted to. If my boss says, “Alison, this refund claim has to be done by tomorrow,” and my raid leader says, “Alison, you have to be at the meeting stone at eight,” one of these people is paying my mortgage. One is not. Game, as they say, over.
However, like yourself, I don’t mind people who make WoW a primary hobby, or an only hobby, as long as they are in control of their own lives and paying their own bills. Hey, if that’s what you want to do with your free time, knock yourself out. (Or in college, in control of their own lives and keeping up with classes. Lord knows I can’t judge, I spent all four of my college years chained to a MU** pretending to be a character from Ranma 1/2.) I totally agree with you that it’s not about the loot, and it’s not about the hours - it’s about whether you are happy with your life and in control of your life, rather than using the game as a substitute for your life. It will never work as a substitute, but it works as both a casual or competitive pasttime.
@ William, AMEN on the social-outcast stereotype applying to video games and not poker.
June 19th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Wait till you tackle a coke addiction.
June 19th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
I agree with everything. I know I used to be really hardcore…but I was in high school. When I got into college I definitely cut back. Though I know how it feels to hide in a game: after my breakup, I used the game as a huge distraction. I do it now, even, when I’m feeling down or lonely. But, I’ve never been that bad, I guess I’ve always felt guilty about putting a game before anything more important so I didn’t let it get to me. So, I’m very proud of anyone who is able to break the addiction, as I know it has to be incredibly hard, harder than most can imagine. Great article!
(btw, not the same Liz as above…maybe I need a new name?)
June 19th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
Excellent article. Thanks for sharing this with us all Monique.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:57 am
My brother is the same way. I hope he can figure out the truth faster because he keeps saying he’s done or “over” the game but I check his armory and his gear keeps being better and his arena rank is still in the top 5. Depressing…
June 20th, 2008 at 6:19 am
That is a great great (and scary) story. I’ve wanted to be a hardcore raider, but I’m glad I never was. I’m happy to hear your life is more balanced now. Thank you very much for sharing this. ^_^
June 20th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Heh…
This was a good read, and it did get me thinking. And I do play every waking moment that I’m not doing something else. (writing, reading…) Which, most of the time, I’m on for a good 9-10 hours a day. If not more… and I’m 17.
However, I’m not failing High school.
I’m not in High school.
I’m not a dropout, either.
I graduated early, even though I play as much as I do. And now, I just don’t have a job or not going to college because I can’t pay for it. Can’t get a student loan ’till I turn eighteen because my mom has school charges and can’t co-sign for me. It’s a sad little world sometimes, so for me… World of Warcrack is more of a way to kill time than a way of life.
But still, a very emotional read. I shall now direct a few of my friends in this direction.
June 21st, 2008 at 3:49 am
Such a powerful read!
June 21st, 2008 at 1:11 pm
As a former hardcore wow raider, I have to say listen to this woman. My roommate and I always used to joke about how wow felt like a job after we quit. You didn’t really want to be there, but you just showed up because you had nothing better to do (or lose your raid spot). Raid schedule of 6 nights a week from 8pm-2am was killer. And don’t even get me started on camping green dragons. I know exactly what that was like haha.
I quit roughly a year ago. Those first few months after quitting were so boring, but I’m glad I finally did it. I am happy that wow has killed the mmorpg genre for me. Now I am going back to my intended math/physics major. My brain will explode.
This is definitely one of your better articles, if not the best. Glad to see you’re doing well!
June 22nd, 2008 at 9:19 pm
This was definitely a very powerful and inspiring article. Thank you for taking the time to write it (and for inspiring me to write my own blog post on the subject ^^)
June 22nd, 2008 at 11:55 pm
A great article Monique! Family members are always commenting on the amount of time that I spend playing WoW, and I generally roll my eyes and ignore them. Perhaps they are right? Who knows. But reading the experiences you have had has certainly given me something to think about.
June 23rd, 2008 at 4:31 am
Thanks for writing this. It has definately made me think, and I believe that was part of your intention.
I think I have some writing to do now.
June 23rd, 2008 at 6:31 am
This hits very close to home for me. I’m currently struggling right now with the desire to raid allll the time and the need for a break to spend time with my hubby. There was a point when WoW time WAS our time together, but it’s not enough any more. I’ve cut back on raiding a bit, and it’s been hard, because I get this feeling that the one time I don’t go to a particular raid is the time I might have gotten that gear upgrade I’ve been waiting for. I need to keep reminding myself that there are more important things.. and that I’m not going to stop raiding tomorrow and lose my chance at something forever. Odds are it will drop again. And in the meantime I’m playing alts and reminding myself of the fun of just playing.
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:50 am
Excellent article and thank you for being brave enough to share your experience. Reading your account of failing classes and not working did raise a question in my mama mind - how was your subscription being paid for during this time?
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:52 am
Mama Druid — I actually lived off scholarship money. I had gotten a big scholarship and fall quarter got great grades. Winter quarter I failed, then I dropped classes for Spring. It was only two quarters of this behavior before a summer and then straightening out in terms of school (I went back in Fall and didn’t do amazingly well, but actually went).
Everyone else — Thank you so much for the commentary. I’m so happy this little article ended up bringing so many questions and discussion up!
June 23rd, 2008 at 11:03 am
Thank you for the quick response. I wonder about such things as I think of my own kids growing up in this digital world. I’m glad to know it wasn’t your own parents paying for it!
I’m glad you are enjoying life once again and challenging yourself (i.e. Computer Science) with something that will actually benefit you and your future. =D
June 23rd, 2008 at 11:06 am
MD — Np, I’m at work and trolling on my break~ My mother unfortunately did pay for the quarters I failed/skipped out on, since the scholarship was “expenses” and “books” (it came to about 2k a quarter meant for spending money, honestly, it was an essay contest I won), but I’m trying to make it up for her by buying her nice gifts since I have a well-paying job and getting great grades. For Mother’s Day I bought her a laptop (she’s always wanted one).
Still, a lot of kids fail one semester or such their first year, so I can chalk it up to just me being foolish for once. Grades are easily made up and refunded. The worst was that she paid for the dorms, which was a lot of money, and supplied me with the food I needed via a meal plan. If they’d cut that off, I would have probably grown up a bit quicker.
June 23rd, 2008 at 11:27 am
You do know, having a well-paying job and good grades is making up for it. Your mama should be proud and probably is! Heck, I’m proud of you! Sometimes the best learned lessons come from pretty painful experiences and, as you have detailed in your story, that realization may not come until later when you look back and exclaim, “Who the hell was that person?!”
The fact that are honest with yourself (and the world!) about the choices you made is full of epic win.
Again, thank you for writing this up and actually hitting the publish button. I do hope it helps others with their virtual vices.
June 23rd, 2008 at 11:41 am
Monique–
This is a fantastic read, and very important for a lot of people out there. We sometimes allow ourselves to be caught up in something that isn’t anything more than a series of 1s and 0s. The only real difference between the staff you get at level 1 and the one from Sunwell is really just an ID number. What real good is all of this stuff? Nothing. Less than nothing.
Just like everything else, WoW should be enjoyed in moderation. Heck, my own blog is largely about being able to enjoy the game without devoting your life to it. It can be done, you just might never see the inside of places like Sunwell. Not much of a loss at all, IMO.
Anywho, thanks for the article. It was written very well and tells a compelling tale. Thanks for taking the time to write it, and I’m glad to hear that so many things in your life are improving.
PTD
June 24th, 2008 at 5:39 am
This was an excellent read! I played WOW for about four months, but I got tired of it. I realized I was spending entirely too much time in game and that time would be better served elsewhere. It can be extremely addictive, but it’s up to the person to pull back and say enough.
I’ve been a member of a few guilds and some of the guildies would spend the entire day playing that game. That’s something I could not get over, It’s been over a month since I touched the game.
June 30th, 2008 at 6:22 am
As a quick disclaimer, I’m not trying to belittle your experience playing wow at all. I just find that more and more of these kind of blog entries are being posted around the mmo community and they all have one resounding ‘you are wasting your life’ theme. I don’t think there are enough examples of the other side of the coin.
I’ve personally played wow on and off, more on than off, since beta. During which time I was at University studying a masters in Computer Science, I raided hardcore for about 90% of that time and still came 4th highest in my graduating class. I now have a high paying high stress job and find that wow is an excellent way to relax after work, raiding is only ~4 hours a night and even less in farm mode which is 80% of a given year.
Honestly I think I find that I play a lot less than other people as a hardcore raider in a world top #20 guild, since I basically only play in raids- in the current farm mode we have in sunwell this is barely two 4 hour raids a week.
It does anoy me that the general idea is that wow is bad and makes you fail exams and college and life in general - although you do say you don’t blame wow, you essentially do by association.
July 9th, 2008 at 12:23 am
Mike, I’d say that Monique is pointing out that WoW is a fairly powerful vector for addictive behavior, much as shopping, eating, or sex can be. In and of itself, WoW is not bad; immersing yourself in WoW to avoid confronting your problems is bad. And people deserve to be made aware of that, as some would not take the idea seriously without this sort of testimony.
July 15th, 2008 at 12:11 am
Reading a post about me, makes me in-fact want to cry. Well, start tearing up atleast for the moment. The social thing I definitely get, there is one guild member, who is just always there for me. He helped me through a break-up with my last boyfriend and is actually one of the people who tells me to log off, whether or not I always listen.
At the end of June I had almost quit playing, my paid time was up, maybe I should have. But now, I’m days away from turning 20 and I have been promoted in my guild. I was made warlock class leader back in early May, and I did give up stuff to get the position. My latest promotion was to DKP master. I run the system, set the prices, etc. Granted, once I finish pricing items the sytem can be run entirely without me. At the moment, TK, SSC, 4/5 Hyjal, and 3/8 BT are the only things I’ve repriced since taking over the system. Which is a lot and I am proud of having done it. I enjoy finance and it was a lot of fun for me to recreate my guild’s economy.
But, I do realize I have a problem. One that isn’t entirely WoW related. I log too many hours, and haven’t been missing raids like I was when I first started summer school. But, WoW is something I want to be apart of my life. I enjoy the game. I also like having a position in the guild of influence. I wouldn’t enjoy the game as much without it. I know that says something about me, I’m not sure what.
Regradless of what happens with me and the hours I log. I’ve learned two very important things from WoW this summer. I like book keeping/accounting and management. I’m starting to wonder why I am torn between a chemistry and philosophy major. (Philosophy is what I have been working on.) Okay, so now I’m rambling because I guess I found a place to talk about WoW addictions. Thanks for reading my silly comment, I’m going to try to go back to doing my chemistry homework now.
August 18th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
I have to say, I’m glad that I came across this post (via Pike, of Aspect of the Hare) when I did. It’s truly a very inspiring read.
I’ve recently reached about the limits of where I’m willing to go for WoW. I realized this past weekend, when I sat at my computer, about as sick as I could get, but still waiting for a raid that never happened….I need to quit.
And I have. The decision comes from that, and from soon starting my first year in college…still not knowing what I want to do, I have decided that WoW is just not able to be a part of my life anymore, except perhaps over breaks.
All in all, though, apart from my rambling…I feel I have to thank you for writing this post. I have to applaud you for being brave enough to post something like this, not to mention to have done it period.
So, thank you, and the best of luck.