Are you bored with your job? Perhaps you’re tired of taking orders from someone you hate? Or maybe you don’t even have a job at all? Regardless of your situation, if you want work, I have great news, dear reader! Our inbox has recently been inundated with requests for people to fill some out of the ordinary job positions.

You’d just better act quickly before they’re gone!

_________________________________________________________

Manny’s Moogles Seeks New Moogle
Well, let’s see what we have here. Do you enjoy menial labor? Perhaps fond of cleaning other people’s houses? Are you good with wayward warriors and chocobos? Manny’s Moogles for Hire is looking for more able bodied Moogles to wait around in adventurers’ houses or go out on tedious world-saving expeditions! Other duties include but are not limited to:

Mucking out chocobo stalls.

Carrying the entire party’s bags so that they can focus on more important things, like long cut-scenes.

Holding quills for save files.

If you’re interested in this wonderful job opportunity with plenty of room for promotion, please contact Manny the Moogle-wrangler in downtown Ivalice.

_________________________________________________________

Kingdom Looking for New Useless Despot
This one’s urgent. The Mushroom Kingdom is looking for a replacement figurehead to lead the country! The current leader has once again gone missing after a successful invasion by the Koopa King. No gender preference, but applicant must look good in pink.

Duties include:

Sitting on the throne.

Able to take being kidnapped exceptionally well.

More sitting on the throne.

Please submit applications in script writing to the mushroom kingdom’s head chancellor, Sir Sporegaard the Third.

_________________________________________________________

Hot Demon Hunter Needed ASAP
Looking for new, exciting opportunities in the field of demon hunting? Or perhaps a demon yourself? The partnership of Jedah and Hood are looking for new contemporaries to fill their ranks of Darkstalkers after a particularly nasty brush with an angry succubus left them high and dry. Applicants will be divided by gender.

Males are expected to:

Be a vampire, sasquatch, merman, demon, or some other ethereal being.

Enjoy getting beaten up by females.

Constantly plot to take over several planes of existence.

Fire crystallized energy out of various orifices.

Females are expected to:

Wear skimpy leather and spandex.

Pose provocatively.

Beat up the males.

Go insane at the drop of a dime.

If you’re interested and able to kick your leg high enough to the point of splitting your spandex leggings, please contact Jedah, self-proclaimed Lord and Master of all worlds. He’s looking forward to hearing from you.

_________________________________________________________

LF1M - PLEASE HAVE EPICS TO SHOW OFF WHILE LOAFING - NO BLOOD ELVES
Do you enjoy repeating the same thing over and over? Looking for an easy three gold? Aldor Extras Limited is looking for more people to stand around Shattrath city. This job is easy, and pays well. We are looking for people who will:

Stand around looking pretty. If you have epics or a rare mount, such as the Zul’Aman War Bear, you will be automically hired.

Cause serious frame-rate lag.

Occasionally bug out and appear in strange places.

Enjoy the sound of the trade channel for hours on end

.
A lucky few will be able to contribute to city ambiance by repeating the same phrases out loud over and over. Please contact Aldor Marksman #1336 quickly if you are interested in one of these spots. Otherwise message CutegirlIRL the Warlock when (s)he is done raiding Underbog with a Dazzling Longsword.

_________________________________________________________

Spelunkers Wanted, Must Come With a “Treasure Chest”
A wealthy collection of entrepreneurs are looking for anyone willing to delve into the deepest catacombs in search of treasure. This job does not include health insurance, and pay is only delivered after any rare artifacts are brought to their specified location.

Be ready to:

Jump a lot.

Climb a lot.

Push a lot of stuff.

Wear very short shirts and shorts.

Speak with a British accent.

Be the sex icon of millions of twelve-year-old boys.

Unfortunately for the men, only females need apply.

_________________________________________________________

SAVE THE ELITE FOUR - ENLIST AS A POKEKID TODAY!!!
With the rapidly increasing amount of Pokemon rights activists, the Pokemon League has decided to ban the use of Pokemon in battles and contests entirely. They are now looking for anyone willing to duct tape a chainsaw or knife to their hands or feet and be constantly sucked into tiny Pokeballs.

This job has no specific requirements. One must simply wear a ridiculous getup and fight in coliseums for the entertainment of the general populace. Health insurance is included, though there are no guarantees that limbs can be reattached by Nurse Joy. If interested, please arrive on your specified day for team tryouts.

_________________________________________________________

And that was the last of the offers in our mailbox. All of these jobs sound like they have a lot of potential, and I would be eager to participate in any of them myself if I wasn’t allergic to Chocobos, loud noises, and angry Pikachu. Hopefully YOU can help!

This entry was posted on Monday, June 9th, 2008 at 9:57 pm and is filed under Gamer Culture, Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.