Video games, aside from being my passion and the best way I can think of to spend my free time, are always packed with items, superpowers, plot devices, and vehicles that I wish I had.

I realize that they’re fictional stories, just like we find in books or movies. It’s so different, though. When I’m reading or vegging out to the television on the couch, I’m actively detached. I’m a spectator. When I’m gaming, however, I’m actively involved. When I play Portal, I’m actually creating portals with a special gun to get myself out of sticky situations–even if it’s just with my mouse.

And that’s how one day I’m making cherry blossom trees bloom with my magical paintbrush and the next I’m traveling the galaxies in a spaceship. Another month, perhaps, I’ll plant a magic bean sprout to transport me across an area with a treasure at the end. It’s in video games I’m living out real dreams–dreams that could come true if only I had just a few of the things I’ve seen in the games I’ve experienced throughout my life.

Especially if I had a V-Watch. Dude, I could totally become a superhero just like Joe. That my friends, would be viewtiful.

I’m sure we’ve all made a mistake that it’d be just peachy to be able to go back in time and erase, or change somehow. Right? I know I have; I bought Sonic the Hedgehog for the 360. Blinx the Time Sweeper’s Time Sweeper (TS-1000) would be perfect for say, rewinding through that entire bottle of cherry Pepsi spilled on white tile floor. If I ever were to get in a fistfight I’d just pause the moment and position my enemies in awkward positions that they would have no idea how they got in, take some pictures, and skip away merrily before letting time flow freely again.

Of course, Prince of Persia’s Dagger of Time would give me just the same amount of power, only it looks cooler than a vacuum cleaner and there are no anthropomorphic cats around to come take it back. I’m sure the Prince wouldn’t mind too much if I took it for a spin. Controlling time would make my life so much easier. No more sitting in traffic, waiting in line at the store, paying for things, or living life on other people’s terms. If I ever wanted to have a baby (which I don’t), the 9 months would be cake. Just fast-forward through all the agony and the childbirth. Clearly someone needs to harness the power of time and space to give me an item similar to the TS-1000 or Dagger of Time, stat.

Alright now, seriously. Who can honestly say they haven’t wanted to get their hands on some gorgeous weaponry from any given shooter? While it might be a bad idea to embark on killing sprees there are tons of guns, swords, staves, and bows that would make amazing additions to garden-variety collections. I’ve always had a certain fondness for the energy sword of Halo. For one thing, it’s not metal like any normal, boring sword. It’s plasma formed into the shape of a blade by a tiny magnetic-field that’s inconspicuously held in the handle. Uh, that’s awesome. A simple flick of the wrist and you’ve got a deadly piece of equipment to carry around in case there’s some act of revenge self-defense you need to carry out. It’s like a lightsaber, only cooler. Plus it’s blue and veiny. Win on all counts.

Speaking of weapons, the Zero-Point Energy Field Manipulator (Gravity Gun) from Half-Life 2 would make any kind of heavy-lifting a cinch. I’d set up my own business for people, just moving their stuff around. Of course, there’d only have to be one. I’d have to hold onto it and make sure no one got their paws on it so they couldn’t horn in on my money-making scheme. There are also plenty of uses I’d have for the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device. Short on funds? No problem! Portal into your local bank to “borrow” some cash. You can always replace it later. Wanna get into a private party but just don’t quite have the right connections? Portal yourself into the building and mingle. Of course, most of these uses revolve around becoming a sort of petty criminal, but hey, if they throw you in jail, how are they going to keep you there? Yeah. You have to think smart.

Aside from ganking video game items to use for my own selfish reasons, there are quite a few that could do a lot of good in the world. Take Phoenix Downs (Final Fantasy) or any variant of them for example: Life Bottles (Tales of Phantasia), Revival Beads (Persona 3), Cup of Lifenoodles (Earthbound), and I’m sure you can name about a million others. Of course, they all revive fallen party members. Being able to bring a loved one back to life, or anyone in the world? I’m not sure about the limitations of said items since I’ve only really used them on freshly “unconscious” party members, but who’s to say they wouldn’t work on people who have actually been gone for a while? It would revolutionize the way we live our lives and, well, die our…deaths. Yes. We could meet all our fallen idols and connect with family members we never got to meet. I know I’d give good money to get my hands on an item similar to some of those, even if it had limitations.

Sadly, though, that’s not going to be happening in the near future. Nor are we going to see any potions or panaceas popping up to cure all our ails and get us feeling 100% again. The closest we are right now to receiving actual Final Fantasy potions is the Final Fantasy XII Potion energy drink released in Japan. I doubt that’s going to do anyone that much good, aside from the fact that it comes in a pretty cool bottle.

Well, I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that all the amazing things I see in games are never going to end up in my hands. I can always dream though, right? Do any of you covet video game items that you can’t get in real life? Don’t be afraid to let me know. I’m already trying to figure out how to procure a Boo Mario power-up. I’ve already got the white sheet with two holes in it. I’m halfway there.

This entry was posted on Friday, June 6th, 2008 at 12:19 pm and is filed under Video Games, Editorial. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.