Princesses. For the most part, they’re nothing but trophy wives for video game protagonists; vapid and spineless girls akin to supermodels. Many, aside from their glowing cardboard cut-out personalities, are also great at providing little or no help in sticky situations that they frequently get themselves into. Furthermore, after risking life and limb for these harlots, the biggest reward you get is a peck on the cheek. Well, okay, sometimes, you also get some sickeningly cute giggle or a bat of an eyelash. Sometimes. That’s if you can manage to behave.

I’ll be honest with you. Most princess archetypes you will come across in your gaming adventures are expendable acquaintances who bring nothing special or interesting to the table. However, just as the majority excel in being unremarkable, cowardly, and helpless, there are a few who pull their weight and turn saving or traveling with them into a pleasurable journey that leaves you feeling as though you’re more than just some random person rescuing a damsel in distress. We’re going to be looking at members of different royal families who belong to both schools of princesses: the savers and the saved. Each candidate will receive a princess rating in crowns.

Starting off, here’s a princess I’m sure you’re all familiar with: Princess Toadstool, or Peach. Ever since she’s been crawling around in her little pink diapers, Bowser has been stealing her away from Mario and the Mushroom Kingdom. Well, I’m not going to dwell too much on Bowser’s reasoning behind kidnapping one woman for years in succession. I don’t think I really want to know his innermost desires. What I do know is that Peach is fairly useless beyond her ability to bake cakes and get kidnapped. She’s the epitome of damsel style, with her cotton candy pink dress, parasol, and flowing blonde hair. Sure, she’s gorgeous, but I do have to wonder what Mario sees in her to risk his life an astronomical amount of times just to keep her safe.

Beyond the fact that Peach is too incompetent to escape Bowser’s terrifying (?) grasp, what does she even do for the inhabitants of Mushroom Kingdom? I’m willing to bet she’s just a figurehead. What is a human princess doing ruling over mushroom-people, anyway? Granted, Peach has had a few instances where she is actively trying to take part in preserving the good of the kingdom or the world, such as in Super Paper Mario, where she actually becomes a playable party member. It is quite notable as well that she appeared in her very own (albeit very easy) platformer, Super Princess Peach, in which she endeavors to save the Mario Bros. for once. Okay, Peachy. I’ll give you the platformer that you starred in and the few instances you decided you should play a little harder to get, but that still doesn’t excuse you from a history of helplessness!

Princess Peach receives two crowns out of five.

On the other hand, Princess Gwendolyn of Odin Sphere has never faced the dilemma of being kidnapped or being too weak to combat it. She’s a valkyrie, and the daughter of the Demon Lord Odin to top it all off. She has seen her share of battles, and even though she’s Odin’s daughter she receives no special treatment. After watching her older sister Griselda die, she is entrusted with the beautiful Psypher spear that becomes an invaluable aid in battle. She’s a no-nonsense kind of girl who frequently takes matters into her own hands despite what her father or fellow valkyries advise. Honor plays an enormous role in Gwendolyn’s decision-making process, so everything she does is for the greater cause of honoring her kingdom and especially her father.

Even when she is banished from the kingdom for her unwillingness to sit idly and let her father’s affairs spiral out of control, she remains a dignified soul. Stripped of her status as a valkyrie and turned away from entering the kingdom at Odin’s command, she is married off to a knight from an enemy kingdom. Despite being put through all this, Gwendolyn never once sits around waiting to be rescued from the fate that she has been dealt. She gets down for a while of course, as any woman would who has been married off against her will, but Gwendolyn is resilient. She bounces back straight away to get to the bottom of what has happened in the brilliant game Odin Sphere, which I don’t want to spoil the rest of here.

Gwendolyn, while being headstrong and able to make her own decisions still manages to stay a likeable and beautiful princess who shakes the archetype of what a princess should be. Unlike Peach, she isn’t waiting for her knight in shining armor to rescue her, and that really sets her apart. She proves you can still hold a royal air about you while beating enemies into submission and taking back what’s rightfully yours. Not only that, but being a valkyrie is awesome. They’re like graceful ninja swans who swoop in and beat you to death with spears…at least, that’s how it is in Odin Sphere. Gwen fights for her honor, her father, her loyalty, and her kingdom, just like a great princess should. She breaks the mold, proving that royalty in video games can be more than just delicate little flowers, and to me that’s definitely commendable.

Princess Gwendolyn spears five crowns out of five.

Sonic the Hedgehog for the 360 is known as a horrible game for a few reasons, but the bland Princess Elise is one of the biggest for me. Elise is the princess of Soleanna, a setting that you become very familiar with throughout the game. Not only is she a disposable character from the series’ canon, but she is disposable as a video game acquaintance overall as well. Everything about her is generic, bland princess material. She feels tacked onto the game as it is, and the ending of the actual game is an enormous letdown concerning Elise as a character and how she fits into the Sonic lore. 90% of her actions throughout the game before the end have to do with Sonic swinging in to steal her away from Eggman’s evil clutches or one of the members of Sonic’s team taking her to safety.

Her speech lacks any real emotion or passion beyond the “thanks for saving me” fare. It is obvious that she is developing feelings for Sonic (much to Amy’s chagrin), but that is the extent to which we get to delve into her personality. Oh that’s right. Princesses are also associated with frequently lame plot twists or embarrassing realizations. Elise is no different. While I’ll save the spoiler, let’s just say she shouldn’t cry. Bad things could happen. Elise is a weak, fragile girl who just happens to hold the “flames of disaster” inside her frail little body. Honestly, it seems like the creators were sitting around thinking of ways to make this next-gen installment of the series truly “epic” and different, and a realistic-looking human girl seemed to be the best way to go. Good job, guys. Overall, as a person she is just upholding the eternal princess mold as many have done before her. I suppose with a mediocre game comes mediocre characters, and as a princess Elise is a major let-down.

Princess Elise is handed one out of five crowns before the ending where she makes the entire game obsolete.

I’m an enormous Final Fantasy fan, and one of my absolute favorites is Final Fantasy IX. One of my favorite characters throughout the game happens to be a princess as well: Princess Garnet Til Alexandros XVII, or Sarah (her original name), OR Dagger, a name she adopts later on in the adventure. Dagger was not born a princess, she assumed the identity of the deceased Garnet, so she did not inherit her royal title. Having lived under the tyranny of adoptive mother Queen Brahne for about a year (since the arrival of the myserious Kuja), she decides to stowaway with theater troupe Tantalus in an effort to speak to a family friend about her adoptive mother’s peculiar and abusive behavior. Along the way she makes friends with Zidane, Vivi, Freya, and the rest of the FFIX cast. Dagger is a summoner who deals in eidolons, which are akin to the summons of all the previous FF games, and she is also well-versed in white magic, making her great for the offensive in boss fights as well as a healer. She’s tit for tat with mischievous Zidane and has a big heart that has room for all the motley crew you travel with in FFIX.

Dagger was one of the characters who was truly believable even though she had roots (or so you thought) in royalty. Even living under so much stress as the heir to the Alexandrian throne, she was grounded and intelligent, even having a favorite play (”I Want to Be Your Canary”). In truth, Garnet was living as a canary, caged in the castle of Alexandria under royal guard and being forced to do what she was told all of the time. At one point in time during the game she even liberated herself of a head full of long, beautiful hair to free herself from the torturous memories of her past–a move symbolic of breaking away from the princess role that we have seen presented throughout this article. I’ve got a lot of respect for Dagger, both for the type of person she is and the things she put herself through for the good of herself and the country she was not even born to rule.

Dagger has Zidane steal away four crowns out of five.

Ico was an extremely underrated game that, unfortunately, not many gamers got the chance to play due to its unavailability or the fact that it didn’t really seem appealing at the time of its release.

Those who have experienced it, however, will remember it as an atmospheric and eerie journey that drew you in via the muted color palette, scene-appropriate music, and the main premise having to do with shadows. Come on, that’s pretty creepy.

Although we learn very little about her as a person, Princess Yorda is who the main character, Ico, must rescue from her very own home in which her mother is imprisoning her. Yorda commands her very own brand of magic which involves castle doors opening when she is brought near them, but that’s about all we get to see of her power. She is a quiet, pale thing who has basically no idea about the outside world due to her mother’s evil intentions. That said, we never really get to know Yorda as a person because she has not gotten to know the world for herself. I’m going to be lenient with her since she really couldn’t help the fact that Ico had to rescue her, except I do have to wonder why if doors will open for Yorda, why she couldn’t just make a run for it whenever she saw a good opportunity. Ah, I guess it’s because those pesky shadows wouldn’t be able to keep their mitts off her.

Princess Yorda opens the door to two crowns out of five.

Chrono Trigger is considered to be one of the greatest RPGs of all time to many of its fans, and for good reason. It combined a stellar story with an endearing cast of characters that you just couldn’t let go of when the story ended. One of said characters happened to be Marle, or Princess Nadia of Guardia. She’s one of the biggest tomboys you’ll ever meet, disguising even the fact that she is a princess to venture out of the castle so she can do as she pleases. In fact, doing so kicks off the events in Chrono Trigger. Her pendant reacts with Lucca’s time-travel machine and Marle ends up way back in 600 A.D. I guess that’s what teenage rebellion will do for you, huh? You slip out of the castle against your dad’s wishes and you’re thrown back in time.

She’s strong-willed, happy-go-lucky, and carries a mean crossbow. She’s also well-versed in ice attacks, which is often invaluable to your party throughout the game. She’s also a great healer to have around. Even though she’s good with magic, though, her attack stats do tend to stay on the low side and it’s noted that she should primarily be kept for support magic or offensive magic. Still, though, she’s a princess and she’s coming along on your journey to alter history. She’s actually useful, unlike some of the princesses we’ve seen. Marle is one of my favorite characters in Chrono Trigger simply because rather than being depicted as some cutesy, pretty princess, she’s a real person. She’s just like any other teenage girl, except she’s great to have around in a pinch and she’s of royal status. Classic. She even gets the man she was after in the end, just like any princess should. Isn’t that a beautiful ending?

Marle’s pendant reacts with five crowns out of five.

So, there you have it. Some princesses do nothing but cry, complain, and sit around waiting to be saved while others take it upon themselves to do the saving. Of course, these are not the only examples. There are hundreds of video game princesses, as I’m sure you’re aware of, and many more of the popular ones weren’t even listed. I’m still waiting for the day where if there is a princess role to be filled in any given game, she’s not adept in magic only, wearing glamorous clothing, or needing to be saved. I’ve mentioned a few who break that mold. Here’s to hoping more follow suit in the future and being a princess becomes much more than just a synonym for “save me”.

This entry was posted on Friday, May 30th, 2008 at 12:46 pm and is filed under Video Games, Gamer Culture, Rants, Character Design, Raves. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.